Fearful Symmetry
by Imogen74
Summary: Jane is experiencing withdrawal from the aether. Loki is going to help her...or, perhaps not? Borrowed idea from auderyii-fic. Very dark, triggers: drug addiction. M for drugs, for language, sexy times...maybe rock n roll, if I can fit it. Born of intense muse sadness. Lokane.
1. Chapter 1

_This idea was borrowed from audreyii-fic's "Jane and Loki Drabbles" prompt 26. The first few things that Loki utters are directly from that drabble… I've bold faced them…the rest is mine._

_Thank you, Miss fic, for your wonderful stories and for planting this seed._

_And YES…I've started updating "When Loki Met Jane," but my muse is sad, and I needed angst. And I will, as soon as I become light again, post the next chapter._

Title borrowed from William Blake's "The Tyger"

* * *

><p>The truth. It hurts.<p>

And stings like a bite whose venom is seeping through pores in passionless dance.

The advance of time means but little…her breath is her only sign that things are progressing beyond that place where she left herself.

The aether, its poignant prose solid in her body, now left her bereft of girth or substance. And the pain of the loss is unlike anything she has experienced.

Even more than Thor's abandonment.

And her mind must reconcile these truths.

The truths of her tangible self frail and it being apt to yield to foreign delight. For though it was horrifying, the aether was intense, and in some ways, comforting.

It made her forget.

It protected her.

It made her forget.

It gave her marginal pleasure when all else was black.

It made her forget.

Forget that she hated Thor and his neglect.

Warm…steady…pulsing pleasure.

And all she can think of now is to regain that sensation.

Protection. Pulsing. Steady. And warm.

"**It hurts, I know,**" came a voice beside her.

Who was that person?

She knew that face…

"**You held the power of the universe; and now you're so unbearably empty."**

And a slight scowl, a small sneer…

**"There are other ways. Trust me. I will give you what you need."**

And understanding washed over her, and she felt relief for the first time in what seemed like years.

"You will?" she breathed, barely a whisper. She rolled onto her side and played with the pillow's case in mad distraction coupled with nervous frenzied subtle movement.

He nodded.

Jane swallowed, and felt the fuzzy muscle that was her tongue touch the roof of her mouth. "How?"

"Magic," and he smiled.

Her eyes narrowed at this.

She turned her back to him, slowly, deliberately, and with much pain. But she only wanted to stop looking at the man. Loki. What a liar.

"Jane Foster," he continued. "Look at me."

"No."

"You shall, or you shall continue to suffer."

"Why? Nothing can help me…" she choked. "Nothing but…it."

"There you are mistaken."

And Jane, with sudden strength and resolve, sat up, and looked at him. "Get out," she breathed. "Get the fuck out!" and she shrieked, and threw her pillow from her bed.

He took her arm, standing from his kneeling position. "Steady, Jane."

And the scream was deafening. The infirmary echoed its response to her agony.

Loki waved his hand over her face.

And Jane was subdued.

Grey filled her vision.

Her skin ceased its itch.

And she felt fatigued.

He guided her back onto the bed, and retrieving her pillow, placed her head on it.

He sighed as she drifted into uneasy somnolence.

This, he determined, would be difficult.

Something besides the physical addiction to the aether was inhibiting a full withdrawal.

He supposed that that would need to be seen to, and that his magic would help in bits and spurts.

He sighed, and left the infirmary.

And the sound of a clock ticking in obscure distance was the only noise to rival Jane's steady breath.

* * *

><p>Onward and endless the colors did dance their song…and they entwined in a slow river of vacuity.<p>

Her breath she heard, as though from a distance…and she saw her body standing alone by the shore.

Jane gathered her resolve.

She went over to where her other self stood.

"Why are you just standing there?" she asked.

And Jane the Lonely replied, "I'm waiting."

"For what?"

"For him," and she pointed to the opposing shore line.

There stood Loki, and his hands were slightly raised, green luminescence emanated from his fingertips…they coiled their route along the stream of liquid black…and made their way to Jane.

And then the light reached her…

And began its ascent up her form.

And Lonely Jane did toss her head back and sighed longingly, languish, and cooed her pleasure.

Jane watched with mild horror.

She looked at Loki.

He was looking at her now.

A devilish grin smeared across his face.

And with a hideous gasp she choked.

Choking, retching, she sat up from her bed in the infirmary.

Her gaze was insane, she was holding her head…

And a soft touch was felt on her arm.

She turned violently…Loki.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"I am attempting allay your pain."

"I was asleep!"

"You were, Jane Foster, unconscious," he returned, and sat down.

She just noticed he had been standing above her.

"Why? Why are you doing this? I told you no."

"Sometimes, I think, it is better if we yield our sense of preservation to someone who may know better," and he sat back in the chair.

"You. You know better."

He nodded.

"Fuck you."

He cocked an eyebrow.

And tears began their gush down her face…and she held herself close…and she wept and rocked and wailed her anguish.

When she was spent…when nothing was left, she fell back into her bed.

"I need to get up," she announced.

"I think that's wise," and he stood and took her arm.

"Oh, _now_ I'm wise. A minute ago I didn't know what was best for me."

"Well, let's say you are a quick study," and he helped Jane out bed.

She fell into him, unsteady…her legs felt liquified.

She grabbed onto his tunic…grasping for purchase….

He held her arms and lifted her slowly.

"Well, Jane. Shall I steady your legs for you?" he asked, looking down on her.

She cleared her throat. "Can you do that?"

He rolled his eyes and waved his hand. "Better?"

Yes…they were holding her once more. She nodded.

"Let's go," and Loki let her arms fall and began to walk away.

Jane stood for a moment.

Should she follow him?

She didn't trust him.

And perhaps that was why she followed….


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Forgot to note that this is a bit OOC...taking place after TDW, but sans the throne scene at the end, and Loki obviously isn't mortally injured...I imagine he returns to Asgard and is placed back in his cell. Thanks for reading and reviewing and following, favoriting...! You guys rock._

* * *

><p>Sometimes, Jane wished, she employed her reason more. What was she thinking, following him?<p>

…he was in possession of her tonic, of her peace…and though she told him she didn't want it, she needed to admit that it soothed her.

He led her outside.

It was night.

Jane suddenly realized that she had no idea how long she had been in her state, nor what day it was, how long she had been on Asgard…

Loki stopped in the center of the garden and looked up at the sky.

He pointed upwards, and then looked at Jane.

"Well, there are your stars," and his hand fell to his side.

"My stars?" and she followed his direction, looking upwards.

"Yes, Miss Foster. You study the stars, recall?"

"Oh…yeah," and her voice fell a touch. "Yes. I study the stars."

He nodded, and began pointing out various constellations and items of note in Asgard's sky.

Jane wrapped her arms about her and sat down on the soft earth, its solid feel comforting after so much time spent in the infirmary's bed. She sighed and watched and listened as Loki explained the ceiling to her.

Finally, he stopped, and looked at her. He smiled a touch.

Jane returned it slightly. "Why are you doing this?"

"You're lost. You've forgotten yourself. You required fresh air. Seems obvious, doesn't it…to offer a reminder of who you once were?"

"I'm still her," she protested. "I'm still Jane," and she stood.

"You are a mere shadow of your self. You have fizzled into a mass of nerves and need, and you require nourishment, for both mind and body."

She swallowed.

"Tell me, Jane, I understand that you are quite physically addicted to the aether, but there is something else at play here…"

Jane closed her eyes…

_It had started with restlessness._

_Then her appetite was gone…_

_Just after the London affair, Jane had begun to quake._

_Thor came for her, finding her crumpled on the floor of her flat, crying._

_Her body was reacting to the absence of the aether._

_He brought her to Asgard, hoping that Odin would be able to do something to comfort her…_

_They gave her a nice enough room, and Jane rocked in her nice enough bed._

_She shook and sweated, swore and screamed._

_And it was beginning to abate, and she decided to take a walk._

_Night._

_Wandering the castle._

_And voices, voices were heard…_

_"__You should tell her," said a woman's voice, firm and sinewy._

_"__I will, but look at her, Sif…how can I? This is my doing, and I cannot give her yet another thing to hold," said the massive voice of thunder, booming its whisper._

_"__Then give me something," said Sif._

_And Jane peeked around the corner, finding Sif in the arms of Thor…and they were engaged in a heated embrace._

_The next morning the hunger was blinding._

_She had forgotten everything…who she was, where she was…he had forsaken her, and Jane was left hollow…the need for the aether seemingly her only means to quell her heart dying in her chest._

_So she ignored Sif and Thor. _

_She succumbed to her addiction, for it was easier to feel that particular pain at the moment…_

She snapped out of it, finding Loki looking at her with eyes squinted and brow furrowed. "Well, obviously you just remembered something. What was it?"

"I want to go back."

"That's not a proper answer."

"I need your medicine…I mean…your magic…" and the tremor who had been her friend for how long she didn't know, presented again…"How long have I been here, Loki?"

He swallowed. "A month."

She felt faint.

A month.

"I need to go back now," and Jane turned and headed back inside to the castle, Loki following her.

Her pace slackened with her increasing unease and swell of hollowness…her brow pearling sweat, and her breath labored…

He placed his hand on her back to direct her.

And Jane grabbed onto his arm.

Like this they went to the infirmary, and Jane curled into the bed.

She looked at Loki, and said, "Please."

He nodded, and his hands hovered over her, his magic descending into her body, and she reacted to the sensation with a murmur.

Loki never gave her so much that she would cease her need altogether, just enough to take the sting away and allow her repose.

And each time, he gave her less.

She was asleep, and he left.

* * *

><p>The Dark Prince walked with graceful purpose to his false brother's rooms.<p>

He banged on the door.

No answer.

He materialized inside, finding Thor with Sif in a compromising position.

"Does Jane know about the two of you?"

"Loki! Excuse me, but you are interrupting something," and Thor got up, putting on pants.

Sif glared at the sorcerer and pulled up the sheet.

"Does she know?" he persisted.

"I…" Thor cleared his throat. "I haven't told her…I thought it best to wait until she recovered."

Loki folded his arms in front of him and shook his head. "I'd wager she knows already."

"How?"

"Oh, I don't know, Thor. You are so wily and so adept at being subtle…" he rolled his eyes.

Sif chuckled, but stopped immediately at Thor's scowl.

"What are you saying, Loki?"

"I'm saying," he dropped his arms to his side and made for the door. "That your mortal is suffering the withdrawal much more acutely because in addition to that, she is nursing a broken heart."

And he left.

The thunderer sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head.

"What have I done."

* * *

><p><em>She was swimming…<em>

_It was a lovely pool of clear blue water…crystal and sheen…colors tripping, waves rolling…steam rising…_

_The euphoria of the feel of the soft liquid was unlike anything she had experienced, and she relished the baptism of the feel…_

_She meandered through the water, turning, dipping, savoring the touch…_

_And then the sky grew dark above her, and she was suddenly afraid…_

_Her head jerked around, looking for the shore…_

_And then she saw him._

_He was always there._

_"__Come, Jane…" he called from the shoreline, suddenly visible._

_"__Not yet…" she called._

_"__Yes. Now," his silky voice suddenly firm._

_She sighed. "Killjoy."_

_And Jane began to swim back._

_She reached Loki and his hand reached for her…_

Her eyes opened slowly.

She was in her bed in the infirmary, and Loki was sitting next to her.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Mmmm…about twelve hours…it was time to awaken and eat."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because Odin will forgive my crimes if I help you," he decided to be forthright, she had been lied to enough.

Not that he cared.

Jane nodded.

Made sense.

"I'm not hungry," she stated.

"You haven't eaten in some time without being unconscious, Jane. Time to see to that," and he obtained a bowl from somewhere next to him and handed it to her.

"How can I eat if I'm unconscious?" and she took the bowl.

"Intravenously."

"Needles?"

"Not exactly," and he smirked.

She looked at him crookedly and took the spoon. She filled it with the bowl's contents and sipped.

"Dreadful," she observed.

"It is plain purposefully. Eat it," and he stood up.

"Loki?"

He looked at her.

"What will I do?"

And though she didn't say it outright, it was a loaded question.

"I'll be back in an hour, and I'll see what I can offer," and he disappeared.

Jane sat with her bowl, staring at it.

She took another sip.

She was a drug addict.

Sip.

She was abandoned by Thor.

Sip.

And a villainous murderer was the only one helping her.

Sip.

She put the bowl down on the table next to her and the tears began their descent.

Jane curled into a fetal position and reprimanded herself for her foolishness.

And the itch was felt, crunching her skin in hateful touch.

She wanted to go home.

She wanted her mom, who was dead.

Or her dad. Dead, too.

She wanted Darcy who was many light years away…

She felt so alone, she couldn't stand it.

So she got up to shake the blandness from her body.

Jane went to the throne room in her thin sick gown, and felt the cool stone beneath her.

It was good to feel something.

Deciding that she hated that room, she walked into the garden where Loki had taken her…whenever that was…

She sat on the ground, and stretched her legs out in front of her.

She curled her toes and ran her arms down her legs to her feet.

She needed to shave.

Jane worked her muscles, in subtle danger of atrophy, and tugged on each one. And she thought that this was the best she had felt in some time.

Loki had been right.

Eat something.

She thought about the sorcerer…

He would gain emancipation if he helped her.

Thor must feel very guilty.

He had convinced Odin to make Loki do this thing.

She laid back on the grass, and stared at the sky.

And her sorrow and desolate isolation began its transformation to wrath.

* * *

><p>"There you are, mortal," said the Mischief God above her.<p>

"What?" and she sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"Why are you here in the garden? You should be in bed eating."

"Fuck off, Loki," and she stood.

"One can tell much about a person when they employ vulgarity with any regularity."

"Oh yeah? What can you fucking tell about me, fucker? What are you gonna fucking dissect about my fucking mind?"

His eyes grew wide. "Let's get you back."

She glared at him.

He took her arm and they disappeared.

"Hey!" she screamed as they reappeared by her sick bed. "Hey, you can't just _do_ that, you know?"

"We weren't getting anywhere, best to just act," and he sat down on the chair.

She went over and slapped his face. "Fuck you."

Her breath was labored.

And Loki stood, menacing, with eyes blazing his irritation. "I would watch it, mortal, you are treading on very thin ice…I have no qualm about leaving you to suffer on your own…now that I am fully restored, I can simply leave."

"Then why don't you?!" she was enraged. "Why are you helping me? I mean, of course you'll be a criminal if you leave, but then, you're used to that…" she added slowly.

His eyes squinted. He leaned toward her. "You would do well to remember that," and he walked away.

"Where are you going," she demanded.

"Nowhere, Jane. I am merely attempting to allow some space between us. You are in a state."

This checked her. She nodded. And swallowed. "How much longer do I need to stay here?"

"Pardon?"

"Here. How much longer so I need to stay?" and she sat on the edge of the bed.

"Do you mean the infirmary or Asgard?"

"Well, let's start with the infirmary."

"I'm not certain," he replied, and he sat on the bed next to hers. "I imagine…well. At least another week."

"I want my own room," she stated.

He raised his eyebrows. "Indeed? You are in a mood, Jane."

"I'm angry and I want peace. This place sucks. I want a comfortable bed and a shower or bath or something. I want to shave my legs. I want to wear something other than this fucking thin ass gown."

He smirked. "Well, let's see how the next day or so goes, and then we can talk about getting you these things."

"Can't I at least bathe, Loki? I feel so gross."

He considered her. "Yes, of course," and he slid off the bed. "Here. Take my arm."

And she did.

They disappeared and reappeared in a large bathroom.

There was a luxurious bath in the corner by an enormous window.

Asgard's star was peeling its light through, covering the room in soft glow.

Loki waved his hand and there were clothes on a table by the tub…a towel…and small steel containers which appeared as though they contained soap.

"Here, Jane. The water is warm. I'll return for you later," and he disappeared before her eyes.

And Jane walked over to the bath.

It looked lovely.

She took off her silly gown and stepped into the bath. The warm embrace of water eased her and beckoned her further.

She slunk down under the glass of liquid and then up again…

And she washed her hair, so dry and damaged from neglect.

And she washed her body, her skin seeping with air from the infirmary.

And she shaved her legs…leaving them smooth and soft.

Jane sat in the tub.

She felt the thirst for the aether pinch at her.

And her anger at Thor rose.

She turned in the tub to look out of the window…

And there was Loki, walking in the garden below her.

She hated him.

Hated his sophomoric smirk.

His stupid voice.

_Faithless._

_Liar._

_Cheater._

_Abandoner._

_Coward._

And her choler rose like bile and she screamed…

Piercing, deafening, in the hollow expanse of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Loki was there in an instant.

"Jane!" and he went to her…"Jane…stop screaming."

And just like that, she stopped.

A pounding was heard on the door.

"Loki! Open this door, or I shall knock it down!" came Thor's massive voice.

Loki sighed. "Are you alright?" and he helped Jane from the bath and gave her the towel.

"No," she responded. She went over to the door and pulled it open with force. "Go away, Thor."

"Jane! Are you well?"

"No. Fuck you and get out," she spat.

Thor's eyes went wide and sought Loki's face for a reaction. "Brother? What is going on?"

"Oh, cease your familial terms, Thor. Everything is fine. I suggest you leave."

Jane then slammed the door in his face and turned to Loki.

He was looking steadily at her.

"What," she hissed.

"He hurt you," Loki stated simply.

"So what?"

"Well, I happen to know what it's like to believe someone cares for you, only to have your trust thrown in your face," and his hands went behind his back, and his chin raised.

"Great. Now you're sympathizing with me," and Jane went to change her clothes.

"Jane," he began, as she threw the towel to the floor in disgust and she began to dress herself.

And he noticed how her skin shown in the sunlight, how her movement, though labored with weakness, was nonetheless graceful.

And she was naked before him, as though it were the most natural thing in the world.

He swallowed, and turned away.

Loki was not virgin to carnal pleasure, yet somehow, these thoughts were more unbidden than ever, for she was frail, and vulnerable.

And he chided himself for noting things thus.

He shouldn't care.

"Jane, Thor was merely attempting to make certain you were alright," and now he was defending Thor…No. He was soothing her troubled mind.

"Don't you _dare_ defend him to me! How can you?!" she shrieked.

And she shook.

She began to slip on the floor, for her weakness was profound, her ire scathing, and her lust for the aether mounting.

Loki turned and saw her falling…he materialized in front of her, and held her arm to prevent her fall.

She was fully clothed in Aesir dress.

And though she was quite pale and gaunt, she looked lovely.

He swallowed and let her arm go. "You are quite right. When I feel the full heat of my anger, I desire only compliance and agreement that I am justified."

"Loki," she quaked.

"Yes?"

"I need some…" and she swallowed.

"In a moment…" and he took her hand. "I want to show you something…"

And they disappeared.

Jane felt the warm breath of Asgard on her cheek, and she drank it in hungrily.

She opened her eyes, and discovered that they were standing at the very edge of the palace's garden, a stream rippling beneath them in soft song.

She felt his hand release her own.

"Why are we here?"

He shrugged and walked along the rocky precipice, not terribly high, but enough to be precarious. "Air," was his reply.

Jane sat and dangled her legs over the edge. She picked up a small stone and tossed it into the water below.

Then she took another and threw it into the water.

And then another, and with some force, she threw it across the stream, to the opposing bank.

She stood now and began tossing stone after stone, hitting an innocent tree, scaring benign small creatures, until she was screaming and yelling, making no sense at all.

And then the tears came once more, and she felt Loki's hand on her arm.

She turned into him and sobbed into his chest.

He wrapped his arms around her, and rubbed her back softly.

"He left me!" she wailed. "He left me, when I needed him the most! He left me!" and she meekly hit Loki's chest with her fist. "And I am alone! I'm alone. I don't have anyone or anything…I'm alone and no one cares that I'm suffering,' she sobbed. "I hate him," she whispered.

"Shhh, Jane…I care," and he rocked her slightly. "I care that you are suffering."

"No you don't," and she pulled away. "You're just ensuring that you aren't thrown back in your cage," and she wiped her face.

"That is true. But I care nonetheless…I cannot account for it, but I do."

"I hate him, Loki."

"Yes, well. He isn't my favorite person, either."

"No. I remember," and she smiled. "What is going to happen to me?"

"I cannot say, Jane Foster. Perhaps you will never heal. Perhaps you will, and you will return to Midgard. Perhaps you will stay here, healing, and decide not to return. I'm certain that Odin will, seeing as how the situation was unique, grant you permission to stay if you like."

"Stay here, with _him_ loving _her_ constantly in front of me? No thanks," and she turned away.

His head fell and he shuffled his feet. "Well, whatever the outcome, I'm certain that it'll be for the best."

"Since when are you an optimist?" she half-turned toward him.

"I'm not. But, allow me to inquire after your aforementioned need for my magic…how does that fare?" he raised his eyebrow.

"It's…" and she swallowed. "Decreased," she admitted.

"Never doubt me, Jane," and he smiled.

* * *

><p>She was beginning to fight the impulse.<p>

She was laying on the bed in the infirmary, staring at the ceiling, willing the itch to cease.

Where _was_ he. He had promised to come for her…

She hated everything and everyone.

And she was terrified of her anger.

She was terrified of being alone…of not being alone…she had lost Jane somewhere…and she believed that she was gone forever…

Lonely Jane, from her vision…that was her old self.

And now, Jane was new. But she was broken, and she was angry.

Her hatred brimmed carmine lava percolating her very soul, insisting in pulse, and loosening her thoughts…

The aether's hold could not stifle her rage.

How much she hated him, she couldn't really say. She hated him with every raw nerve which ached for the aether's medicine. She hated him with every ounce of slow rebuilding her person required.

And she wanted revenge. And how could she, Jane, whom she honestly was pathetically unfamiliar with, exact revenge on the Thunder God?

"Jane, are you ready?" came Loki's voice next to her. "Your room is fully prepared and waiting for you."

She looked at him with some surprise. "Ok," she said, and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "Can you give me some, Loki, when we get there?" she asked.

He nodded.

She hadn't had any all day. She was doing much better now, just twice a day he administered his magic, and she hardly ever asked anymore.

They materialized in her new quarters.

Jane went to the bed to lay down, as was her method when receiving the magic. She was often overcome and didn't trust her self to stand.

"Now, Loki?"

He didn't answer her, but went over to her and placed his hands just above her body as the magic fell into her…

And instead of her usual response of a soft smile and a slight moan, Jane shook and cried out.

He stopped, confused.

"Don't…" and she grabbed his hand. "Don't stop, for fuck sake…"

"What is happening, Jane?

"Just don't stop," she whispered.

He hesitated, and raised his hands once more…

And Jane emitted a moan, and she began to rub her hands up and down her torso, over her breasts, and into her crotch…

That was when he pulled away. "I think that'll suffice."

"No…wait…" and she sat up. "That was different…why?"

"I have no idea…" he began. But his mind did whisper that it might have had to do with the rather suggestive dream that he had the previous night about Jane…and he was angry when he awoken, and distraught.

"Loki…" her eyes pleading.

"That's enough, Jane. Get some rest," and he began to leave.

"Who are you to tell me that's enough?! Why is that enough?" and she rose from the bed.

"It is enough because I said it was enough, and because it is _my_ magic I am offering you," he said, turning.

"Fuck you."

"Jane, I suggest you stop."

"No. Fuck _you,_" and she walked toward him.

His anger rose, and he raised his hands, and she flew against the wall with a thud.

"Now listen, mortal. I have been more than patient and generous with you. You are nearly healed. I shall not endure your temper any longer, not when you are fully aware now of what you are doing. You have enjoyed the medicine of my magic for the evening, and now you are going to sleep, and we will continue in the morning. Understand?"

Jane squirmed.

She then rethought her position.

She nodded, and he released her.

"Loki…"

He turned to her. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

He nodded.

"You were right…you care…" and she went nearer him. "And I've just been so wrapped up…" closer. "And in so much pain…" in front of him now. She reached for him, in between his legs…and she began to pulse her hand in movement.

And Loki shut his eyes, savoring her touch.

"Please, Loki…" and she wondered then what it would be like to fuck him…he had so much magic that helped her…what if something else was inside of her…

He was responding.

He took her hand, eyes remaining closed.

This…this was not what she wanted…this was her anger and addiction talking.

And he wasn't certain that he wanted this, either.

He had changed throughout this interlude.

Loki swallowed and opened his eyes. "Stop this, now."

And her face hardened. "Why," she demanded.

"Because you are desperate, and that is unattractive."

He realized his error when the tears began to well. "You're right…it is unattractive. But so am I…he left me for another woman. A beautiful one," she paused, swallowing her sorrow and letting the anger brim. "And I am an addict now, and I have no idea what I want or who I am. I just know, Loki, that you are the only thing that makes me feel even marginally better."

"Say his name, Jane. You never say his name. Give your anger a name."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I hate him, and it hurts too much."

"Say it," he persisted.

"No."

"Say his name!" he yelled.

"Thor!" she screamed. "I hate him!" and she placed her hands on either side of her face, covering her ears, and sobbed.

And Loki smiled and sighed.

"There. Small steps."

And he left her there.

And Jane thought that this wasn't over…that she was in need of more…she wanted, needed retribution.

And she wanted and needed the Mischief Maker more than she cared to admit.

She sat on her bed and thought about things…

She needed to kick her addiction…she was nearly there…just needed to be able to get through a few bouts of pain…

And then…then he'd be more open to the possibility of fucking.

And she could hurt Thor…

And gain her pleasure.


	4. Chapter 4

_In the land between awake and asleep…she searches for the thing that'll take it away. And every day it becomes less, and every hour feels like a lifetime, but every minute is easier than the last, and she bends in the breeze, warm, and soft and restorative._

"Wake up, Jane," came Loki's voice next to her.

Her eyes slowly opened. "Hi Loki," and she smiled.

He returned it, genuine. "How are you feeling?" It had been a few days since he had left her in her desperation, and he returned only to administer his magic while she slept.

She sat up. "You are talking to me, now?" and she stretched.

"I am."

She nodded, and swung out of the bed. "I'm feeling pretty good, actually," (and she was, she needed to convince him just how much, so she could move forward with her plan), "How have you been?"

"Well enough," and he stood as well. "You haven't left your rooms…I thought that you might enjoy some time outdoors."

"Yeah?" and Jane thought about this. "Yes, actually. That'd be nice."

So the pair walked outside to the garden. And there, on a wide table, sat many foods…fruits and breads and some pastries and meats…wine and juice…vibrant colors formed a cornucopia of bountiful goodness.

Loki looked at her. "I arranged for this, seeing as how I honestly don't know what you enjoy for food, and the only thing I've seen you eat these past weeks is broth."

Jane looked at the table and her hands went to her face. She laughed. "I haven't eaten in so long…not really…" and she went to the table and took a piece of succulent fruit, looking not unlike a pear, and bit into it.

And the warm juice filled her mouth and overtook her senses…and she closed her eyes, and chewed softly, savoring the delight of the fruit.

Her jaw worked hard in its labor, pleased to be at its assignment once more.

Her tongue relished the gorgeous feel of solid food, happy to be enjoying the saccharine food instead of the bitter vitriol of Jane's choler.

She sat at the table, and Loki watched her.

He watched as she took a plate and filled it with some bread, a few more pieces of fruit, a piece of meat…and she poured herself half a glass of wine.

He watched her eat.

And then he sat across from her.

She looked at him and took a sip of wine. "Oh! I'm sorry…do you want some?"

"I'll have a glass, thank you."

She poured it out, and handed him the glass.

"How is it? To eat solid foods?" he asked after taking a healthy sip.

"Incredible," Jane replied between bites. "I hadn't even been thinking about food…I've been…"

"Angry and fighting addiction."

"Yeah…and in denial about a lot of things…" she played with a crust of bread. "How long have I been here now? What time of day is it?"

"It's been almost two months now since you arrived in your state. And it is…" he looked to the sky. "About five in the evening."

And Jane felt the knowledge of her losing her time…so much time…it hit her hard. She nodded and she swallowed. She sighed. "Well, I feel so much better. I think after I'm done, I'll take a walk."

"I'll be joining you, then."

"My babysitter?" and she smirked.

"You are still quite weak, Jane. In a few day's time, after you're able to withstand solid food for every meal…perhaps I'll cease giving you the magic altogether…I imagine you will experience discomfort for a day or two, and then…" his hands turned palm side up and he raised his eyebrows.

"I'll be healed?"

"I would say mostly…though I cannot account for your heart."

"I'm not so angry."

"No."

Jane sat back, nearly full, since her stomach had shrunk in her neglect, and finished her wine in a gulp. "How do you know so much about all of this?"

"I know a great deal about a good many things," he replied in a smirk.

"But, how do you know about this, specifically, Loki?"

"I know because I've seen it in others, and I too, have felt the pull of the infinity stones," he poured himself more wine while Jane poured herself some water. "And once, I helped someone…"

"Who?"

"A lady…" he drank deeply.

"Oh. Were you in love with her?"

He laughed. "No. Not exactly."

"Have you been in love, Loki?" she looked steadily at him.

He averted her gaze. "Once. A very long time ago."

"What happened?" and Jane sipped her water.

"She left me," he stated simply.

"For someone else?" her tone was hopeful, for then he would truly understand the state wherein she dwelled.

"No. She died."

"Oh…oh my god, Loki. I'm so sorry…" she paused. "It felt like she left you?"

He shifted. "No, it didn't _feel_ like it, Jane. I had been tasked to protect her in the middle of a dreadful war, and she decided to leave against my judgement, and she was killed."

"Oh," she honestly didn't know what to say to that.

He cleared his throat. "Are you finished?"

She nodded.

"Well," he said, standing. "I think it's time for the constitutional you mentioned…are you feeling well enough to go?"

"Yeah," and she stood, smiling. "Thank you, Loki, for all of this."

"You're very welcome," and he began to walk next to her.

They headed to the center of the garden, and Jane looked at all of the vibrant hues peppered along the floor. "It's so beautiful," she whispered.

"I does gives one pause," Loki began. "So much beauty to behold in Yggdrasil…"

"Have you seen all of the Realms, Loki?"

"I have, and then some," he folded his hands behind his back. His dark tunic falling in sharp contrast to the richness of the garden.

"What are they like?" and Jane sat on the ground, and pulled her knees up toward her chin, and looked at him open-eyed and eager.

He cleared his throat.

He didn't care to admit the stir he felt at her gaze…nor that he had dreamed of her whether in waking or asleep these past three days and nights since he had left her…nor that he missed her…nor that he cared for her and her welfare more than he ought…

…that he had succumbed to her…he felt responsible for her…

And Loki strung together the branches of Yggdrasil, he sewed the leaves, and watered the trunk to give it life…

He had long sat down opposite her and had conjured water for their thirst.

Jane was lying on her back, staring at the endless sea of stars above her in a cloak of raven dark stippled in pixels…"I love the sky," she sighed. "I used to be pretty smart, you know."

"I'm certain that you haven't lost your brilliance, Jane."

She sat up to find him twirling a flower between his fingers. "Why wouldn't I have? I've lost everything else," and her gaze dropped.

"You haven't…you merely need to reimagine yourself."

She laughed. "Oh, is _that_ all?"

He shrugged. "I'm not suggesting that it will be easy, but it isn't as daunting as it sounds."

She laughed some more.

Until she couldn't.

She breathed in deeply and she shook her head. "I dunno, Loki. I just don't know. What am I gonna do?"

"I cannot say."

"Neither can I."

"Well, perhaps we should return indoors. You may want to bathe, it's been a while now," and he stood.

"I guess that's a start," and she stood as well. "Do I smell that bad?"

"I didn't want to mention it, rather tactless, don't you think?" and he smiled at her.

And Jane laughed and followed him, thinking about her plan, thinking about what she would do…and part of her thought that she couldn't see beyond this plan, that she was inhibited by its completion and it was clouding her sight.

The castle was dark, and they didn't speak until they arrived at her quarters.

"Where is Odin?" Jane asked at the door. "I haven't seen him at all."

"He's been busy…after waking from Odinsleep, he often feels as though much requires attention."

She nodded. "You're leaving?"

"Yes…you have a bath in your chambers," and he turned.

"Don't…" she whispered, taking his arm. "I've been so alone…"

He looked down at her. Her pleading eyes lamenting his departure, and he realized fully how much she needed him. It wasn't an unpleasant thought. "Very well."

Jane went inside and Loki heard the bath run…he sat on a chair by the hearth and conjured a fire.

And his mind did wander…

…she needed him. She enjoyed his company. She needed him. How long since anyone actually needed him? He couldn't rightly say. And yes, she was using him for the relief his magic afforded her, but it seemed a bit more now, as though she needed him above and beyond that.

He supposed that he needed her as well, even if it was incidental. He didn't like that.

She was an interesting interlocutor, bright, despite her recent observations.

She had a sense of humor.

And she was lost, just like him…

Jane emerged with a thin gown on and a robe, and she was drying her hair.

She smiled at him and sat in the other chair by the fire.

"You started a fire."

He cleared his throat and nodded.

"Thank you," and she sat back in the chair. "Are there any books you can give me…you know, for these next few days?"

"Next few days?"

"I'm finishing up, isn't that what you said? It'd be nice to have something to do besides feel sorry for myself."

"Yes, I did say that."

"Loki?"

"Yes?" he looked at her.

"What is Sif like?"

He closed his eyes for a second. "Well," and he looked at his hands. "She is a very capable warrior. She is…not the most profound mind, but hardly daft. She is rather spoilt, but she has pined away for Thor for centuries."

Jane nodded.

Jane was weak.

She had lost her mind.

She wasn't spoiled, she had no one to offer her such luxury.

"Jane…"

And she looked at him. "Yeah?"

"You are wholly different from her. Do not engage in such idle comparisons…it is a useless enterprise."

"How can I not?"

"You must be above it. Recognize that his abandonment had little to do with you and everything to do with how Thor is as an individual."

She nodded. "How did it happen? Was he completely turned off by me and my addiction?"

"I cannot say."

She looked at the fire. "I guess…I guess that if I had seen myself, I would've been disgusted, too."

"I wasn't disgusted, Jane," and he waved his hand and a few books appeared on the table between them.

"You weren't?" she sounded hopeful.

"No," and he stood. "Shall we…?" and he nodded to the bed.

"Ah…" and she laughed.

Loki rolled his eyes. "Magic, Jane."

"I know, I know. It was just a laugh," and she went over to the bed and laid down.

He stood beside the bed and his hands hovered over her…

…a few more times, and she wouldn't need this anymore…

He saw how her breasts were outlined by the gown…how her nipples stood erect…her eyes closed…

He was careful not to allow these thoughts seep into the medicine…

And he stopped, his hands falling to his sides.

Jane looked at him, smiling. "Thank you," she breathed.

He nodded and turned to leave.

But she took his hand…

"Don't go…"

He looked down at her, a questioning look on his face.

"I mean…just stay, just for a little while…you're all I have."

"I'm not sure…"

"Oh, Loki. We are adults. I mean, you're a bit more than I am I guess, numerically speaking," she giggled. "But, this is platonic…and I'm tired of being alone."

Loki looked away and swallowed.

How utterly ridiculous. She wanted him to stay, sans sex.

Not that he had any interest in that…

He turned to her once more.

She had scooted over in the bed to allow him room.

"Only for a short while, my little mortal. I do not require slumber the way your fragile frame does," and he sat down, pulled his legs up onto the bed, and laid back.

Jane's face beamed her pleasure, and she snuggled up close to him, placed her cheek on his shoulder, and her right arm draped across his chest. "Thank you, again, Loki," she whispered.

And the mischief maker sighed his annoyance, masking his contentment.

And Jane closed her eyes and thought that this was nice, even if she was buttering him up. He had a strong shoulder…

A blanket was conjured and fell on them.

Loki took his right arm and wrapped it around her, his left he covered his eyes with…

…and the two lost souls found sleep in tandem.


	5. Chapter 5

_Two updates today, since none tomorrow, and perhaps none the next day. Got some real-life things to tend to. Boring, I know._

* * *

><p>Warmth.<p>

Steady motion, like a heartbeat, a pulse.

It was a breathing someone…

He opened his eyes…

And Loki found his limbs wrapped around the tiny mortal in a soft but protective embrace…his left leg was swathed around her hip, touching her upper thigh. His left arm was around the area just above her waist, his hand on her back. And her face was buried in his chest, his cheek resting on the top of her head. He had her pulled quite close, and he felt his core stir slightly.

He was simultaneously repulsed and elated.

Repulsed, because he was deviating from his task. Repulsed, because this was a _mortal_ who once loved his silly oafish false brother. Repulsed, because he, Loki, didn't capitulate to such trivia as want.

Yet he was elated, for she trusted him, and no one trusted him. Elated, because he had felt a tug of kind in this mortal, something he hadn't felt in many ages now. Elated, because he had to admit a kind of want, and to feel her so close was euphoric.

His mind was dealing with these opposing thoughts while he laid there holding her…

…when he fully realized her arms and legs were wrapped around him as well. Her right hand was grasping his tunic, and though she was asleep, there was some conviction in her grasp. And her right leg…oh, her right leg…it was bent at the knee, and her thigh was pressing slightly against his sex. They were a tangle of limbs…

And he had to fight the inclination to rub against it.

He needed to disentangle himself, and to do so without her waking…he was still confused as to how he had fallen asleep, he seldom slept for any length of time.

Loki moved his arm first, that was the easy part.

And then he began to wrest his leg from her…and move his right leg from under her left…

She stirred.

He stopped.

"Mmmm," she sighed.

He swallowed.

Perhaps he should just wake her. It might be better than simply leaving…

"Jane," he whispered.

"Hmmm…?" and her eyes slowly opened. She saw his face and she smiled.

"I…need my legs back…" and he smiled in return.

"Oh!" and she sat up, pushing hard against his sex in her movement.

He groaned and winced.

"Oh my god…I'm sorry Loki!"

He nodded and sat up as well, holding his stomach.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine, Jane…I'll be going now," and he stood.

"Ok…what time is it?"

He shook his head and looked at the window.

Sunlight poured in through the glass.

And he gasped.

It was morning.

"It appears…it appears that it is morning…" he whispered, and he looked at her, his brow slightly furrowed in confusion.

"You stayed all night?" and Jane got up and went to the window.

"I suppose I did."

She turned toward him, arms folded in front of her. "And _you_ said you _never _sleep."

He rolled his eyes. "Yes yes. Very well…occasionally I do."

"Maybe you only needed the right bedfellow."

He narrowed his gaze. "I'll be going now, Jane. I'll be by later to see how you are."

Jane nodded, and he disappeared.

And he materialized in his room.

He filled the tub magically with water, disrobed and climbed in…

And he imagined Jane beneath him, as he filled her with his arousal, and she writhed in passion, and he moved within her, feeling her, pleasing her…

He took his erection and began to massage it.

And his head fell back onto the edge of the tub…

_"__Loki…" came her voice. It echoed slightly in the hollow washroom._

_He lifted his head. "You shouldn't be here, Jane…."_

_"__Why not?" she was in her slight nightgown, and he could fully see her nipples, pressing against the flimsy fabric…she climbed into the tub with him…_

_And she went over to him…straddled his waist, and she reached for him, guiding him inside of her._

_She moved, and her head went back._

_She moved again, and she bent down to kiss him…_

_And her kiss was soft, her tongue was intense in its resolve, and she moaned a bit as she moved her tongue with his…_

_His hands felt her breasts, and squeezed slightly…_

_And Jane moved faster, and broke the kiss._

_"__Loki…" she whispered in his ear._

_"__Jane…" he returned, nuzzling her neck._

_"__I need you…so much…" and she quickened, slopping water to the floor. _

_"__I'm yours," he panted._

_"__Loki…I love you," and she screamed._

His eyes flew open, for he had just come, but the fact that she had said those words in his musing was upsetting.

Love.

_Love?_

_He_ was _hers_?

What did this mean?

And he stood in his agitation, and dried himself and put on some clothes.

* * *

><p>Jane was laying on her bed. She hadn't changed her clothes…she was reading one of the volumes that Loki had left for her.<p>

She rolled onto her back and thought about what it would have been like if he had kissed her that morning…

She imagined it would've been soft at first (she didn't find him to be this miscreant that everyone insisted that he was. Ok, he had invaded New York, but other than _that_), and then grow in passion…

And he would take her, and roll her onto her back, and feel her entire body with his hands…

Jane smiled a touch, and then chided herself for it.

She was going to hurt Thor.

She was going to have Loki's magic inside of her.

She would be able to enjoy it for a little bit longer…and then she would be done.

She mustn't let herself lose her purpose, even if it had been wonderful waking up in his arms.

And Jane thought that maybe she was being selfish, but it didn't matter, not really. She was such a broken and pathetic shadow of who she once was, that even if she was being selfish, no one would care.

Except maybe Loki…

But, she reminded herself, he was helping her for selfish reasons…so it was almost the same thing. Right…?

She wouldn't be deterred…a couple more days, and then she'd act.

Jane decided, after a few hours spent holed away in her chambers, that she would go outside.

She wasn't a prisoner, after all.

She walked through the garden, breathing in the fragrance…felt every muscle in her body sing with the exercise.

She heard someone talking…

It was Thor.

And he was talking to Sif.

Jane swallowed, and she stopped.

"I love you, my darling…" he was saying.

He had never said that to _her…_

"Oh, Thor…you have no idea how long I have waited to hear those words…"

And she heard them kiss…

And the hatred filled her.

And the pain mounted.

She was behind a tree, some twenty feet from where the lovers stood in their embrace.

Her hands shook and she ran into the palace.

Her paltry gown did nothing to quell the chill rising in her…

For the heat of her rage left her cold, and she felt the tears pour down her cheeks, hot trails left in their wake.

She ran to her room and slammed the door.

Her back struck the door and she wept.

It was too soon…she wasn't over her anger.

She slid down the door and pulled her legs up; she wrapped her arms about her knees and buried her face in her arms.

And Jane cried.

She cried for the love she never had from him.

She cried for the mother she didn't have to soothe her.

For the father absent and unable to avenge her pain.

For Darcy, so far away, and couldn't agree that Thor was an asshole.

No one could tell her these things.

But, she decided, she needed to let this go…

Perhaps see to fucking Loki sooner than planned, and then demand that she be allowed to go home.

* * *

><p>The fire was dying.<p>

And Jane was milling about, distracted.

He was supposed to be here by now, she was down to once a day.

She was dressed in an Asgard gown, soft and supple and rose in color.

She had brushed her hair and done everything she could think of to make her more attractive.

Jane didn't think she had been terribly successful.

In her anger and frustration, she left for Loki's chambers.

"Loki! Open the door!"

He was sitting in front of his own fire, staring at it and ignoring the persistent mortal who was outside of his door.

"Open the fucking door, Loki, now!" she shrieked.

At this he moved his hand slightly and the door opened a sliver.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

He didn't answer.

She stepped in front of him. "What's wrong with you?"

He didn't look at her.

"Loki. Answer me."

"Go away."

"What."

"Go away, Jane Foster. You can survive a few hours without it…go to sleep and I'll visit you later," still not looking at her.

"No. Look at me."

He closed his eyes and lifted his chin. And when he opened his blue orbs, Jane saw inexplicable sadness.

"What…?"

"I desire solitude, and you are interrupting that. Go away, mortal, or I shall make you leave."

Jane swallowed. "But…"

"Do no argue. Go away," he hissed.

She backed away, and then left the room.

And he hated that she looked so delicious in her Asgardian garments. How she yelled at him in anger, when no one else would dare, and that she wasn't afraid. He hated that he knew he would never make her do anything…

He had found his symmetry, and it was in the size and shape of Jane Foster.

* * *

><p>Jane hadn't changed her clothes…<p>

She laid on her bed and stared at the ceiling.

She had laid there for what seemed like hours.

It likely had been.

And then she felt his presence in her room…

She sat up to look at him.

"You, Jane Foster, shall be my undoing."

She didn't answer him.

"You, with your soft melancholy and your sepia eyes…your wit and your mind…your delicate touch…" and he moved to her bed and sat on the edge of it. "How was I to stave this off…how could I with your presence so constant, your need so acute…and I daresay I fooled myself into believing that you needed me as well…not merely my magic, but my presence, my self…"

"I do, Loki," and she thought that this would be it.

"Do you, now? I can hardly believe it. You loved Thor, you likely still do, and how…how could one who has loved the mighty Thunderer ever hope to look upon my own black heart…?" and he looked at his hands.

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying, Jane, that somehow…" and he swallowed. "Somehow I mistook your attentions for more…that you were guided by a want more potent than your thirst for my magic…that you found in me a symmetry…and I believe…in my folly, I may have…" he shook his head. He swallowed, unable to finish.

"What?"

"How can I say it?" he whispered.

Jane's mind reeled.

My god, what had she done…

Could she even do this thing? Did it even matter?

She backed away from him, suddenly afraid.

Afraid, because of what she had been about to do.

Afraid, because of what she believed he was about to confess.

Afraid, because she might be feeling the exact same way.

Afraid, indeed, because she honestly didn't know…

"See how you recoil from me? And you should! You should, because you do not know the extent of my rage, my power, my ability to harm," he looked at her now, a mix of doubt, of hope, and of anger.

"Loki, I…"

"You should go home, Jane."

"I won't," she replied.

And he looked deeply at her. "You are beautiful, you know. And bright, and sweet, determined and strong…and everything grand to be found in a person…" and he stood now. "And Thor is a fool, he has no idea what he abandoned…" he walked closer to where Jane was, against the headboard of her bed, eyes fixed on him. "And I am a fool, to think that such a creature as you could ever return my…solicitude…" and he placed his palms on the bed, and leaned his face toward her…

"Loki…"

"Jane," he was very close to her face.

And Jane, in that moment, knew that she couldn't kiss him. It felt wrong in the extreme, to partake in something so intimate as a kiss with someone she was about to use so heinously.

She placed her palm on his chest, and pushed slightly. "I…" and she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him toward her, and he fell onto the bed in turn.

"What does this mean, Jane?" he asked into her neck.

"It means that I'm not ready."

And he stood, glaring at her. "It means that you do not reciprocate. That you still care for Thor."

"It means that I'm confused!" and she was. "It means that I need some time. It means that I have no idea what I am doing…it means…" and she swallowed. "It means that I was going to seduce you this very night in order to gain revenge on Thor…" and the tears fell and she finished in a choke and she covered her face. "But I couldn't…I couldn't…because it would hurt you…"

His look was indescribable.

He shook.

He swallowed.

And he disappeared.

"Loki!" she yelled.

And the room answered in silence.


	6. Chapter 6

_Special thanks to JaninaM8 for her help with this chapter. If she hadn't intervened, this might've taken a much different turn. It may very well have sucked. If it does, in fact, suck, it's purely my fault. Not hers. _

_You are the best, my __friend._

* * *

><p>Sometimes, it isn't the fear.<p>

The fear that tastes so metallic and sickening.

Sometimes, it's the bile itself, threatening expulsion.

Sometimes, it's a very physical reaction, a realization, a truth…

That hurts.

And stings like those insects whose venom may be pallid, but are felt nonetheless.

And thus was Jane Foster.

Her knowledge woefully circumspect.

Her act painfully meager.

She laid there on her bed for what may have been an hour, but more likely, days.

She really needed to get a grasp on time passage.

Tears spent in a haze of dubious advance, hoping that he would materialize before her and kiss her.

But it was for naught, and she was healed.

Excepting her heart…for like the shadow she was, she had broken her own heart now, twice.

She loved him.

…it was obvious now to her.

Love, that intangible something, teasing the tips of her fingers…forever out of grasp. For she had loved and lost twice now, and in a very short span of time.

Or was it long? She couldn't say.

Get up, Jane Foster…

And she swung her legs over the side of her bed, and put her feet to the floor.

And she collapsed.

Her muscles, nearly useless…how long had she been in this state?

She sat there, hopeless and alone.

And she cried some more.

"Loki," she whispered. "I am so sorry."

But he wasn't there, and so she apologized to the air.

Sitting there for a bit, she began to feel sorry for herself once more, and willed herself up…

Jane walked on unsteady legs to her door, and pushed it open.

There was something inhibiting fluid opening…

And she pushed harder.

Trays.

Trays were there…three to be exact…and covered plates of food.

Jane looked down and realized she was still in her Asgard dress. She walked down the hall, though she wasn't certain where she was going.

This new Jane so ignorant…to everything, everything, including her own self.

She walked to the library and went inside.

"Jane Foster," came a deep voice. "There you are."

The Thunderer stood, anxiously searching her face.

"Hi, Thor," and she walked in.

"You…you do not appear to be well."

"I'm not," she said, sitting down. "How long have I been in my room?"

"Five days."

"Five days," she repeated in a whisper. "Where's Loki?"

He shifted, and looked to the fire. "I do not know. He hasn't been seen in, well, five days. I believe that he has left Asgard," he paused. "What happened, Jane?"

She shook her head, buried her face in her hands, and wept. "What have I done what have I done what have I done…"

"Jane!" and he went to her.

"Go away, Thor…please, please…"

"No, tell me this instant what has happened. You won't leave your rooms, Loki is gone…did he hurt you?"

"No!" she screamed, and she hit his face hard. "No! YOU hurt me! _You hurt me._ And all Loki did was take care of me, and heal me and…and…"

He was rubbing his cheek, sitting on his haunches. "And…?"

"And I love him," she whispered.

"My gods, Jane," he looked at her, dumbfounded. "Does he know this?"

She shook her head.

"Well, we need to find him."

"It won't do any good," she said, sitting back in the chair. Thor got up and sat on the chair he had occupied.

"Why?"

"You'll never find him."

"How can you be…?

She glared at him. "Because I know him, probably better than I know myself...though that isn't saying much... and I know that he doesn't want to be found. And if Loki doesn't want something, well…"

"Does he reciprocate?"

"He does, I think. But he left before he could tell me, or I even realized myself. I still don't know myself that well, Thor…I'm rebuilding, in a way…I need time."

He nodded.

She smiled. "And I need Loki…but, then, I suppose, I'll need to do without."

Thor sighed. "I never thought I'd see the day…he had loved a lady once," he paused. "Now that I think about it…" and he looked at Jane. "She looked rather like you. I didn't notice the resemblance until just now…"

"Really?"

He nodded. "Loki is passionate, Jane. He will return for you. I promise," and he looked away. "I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you."

Jane nodded. She wasn't angry anymore.

She wasn't thirsty for the aether anymore.

She wasn't lost so much.

She was just sad.

"I need to bathe. And eat. And then maybe…I can go home?"

"If you like, though you're welcome to stay."

She smiled and got up and made her way to her rooms.

She had lost so much weight that the bones protruded slightly from her skin…they howled their impertinence. And like static, they frayed.

Jane sunk into the depths of the bath and sighed.

No more tears, she promised herself. No more fucking tears.

She would need to survive without him, like it or not (she didn't).

Find comfort where she could…she would be home.

And these were her thoughts as she sunk deeper into the waters…

Noise.

Panic-stricken noise.

Someone was calling her name…and she couldn't breathe…

She was being pulled, lifted…

And for a mere creep of time, she believed that she saw him…he was there with her…and she was safe.

She didn't need to let go of anything, she didn't need to surrender her fate, for fate had smiled upon her inexplicably, and returned him to her.

And then she was coughing.

"Jane! whatever happened...?…"

Jane's eyes creaked as she choked. "What…?" but her throat stung.

"What are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

"Thor?" but it hardly sounded like his name, and she was being lowered into her bed and covered with a blanket.

She felt the dip. "What's happening?"

"I think you must've fallen asleep in the tub…I came with your dinner, and found you choking and delirious."

"Oh my god."

"You've lost so much weight, Jane…"

"I'm fine."

"You're not…"

"I just need to eat something…" and she sat up, pulled the blanket around her, and went to obtain food, tripping as she did.

Thor went to her, but she shooed him away.

"I can do this," she stated.

And Jane Foster sat there, eating slowly, relishing the feel of the food fill her…satiating the acid in her stomach, allowing it its job, and she sighed.

She didn't want to die.

A month or two ago, maybe.

But Jane wanted to live, not because of anything other than death was too final, and she disliked the finality of anything right now.

Like Loki's absence.

She would mend herself on her own this time…and perhaps gain strength and resolve in the process.

* * *

><p>He was a mighty sorcerer, and more accomplished than most in his craft; he recognized that it took but little to fool the inhabitants of Asgard's palace.<p>

So he creeped along, invisible…watching, though chiefly away in his rooms.

He wouldn't watch her…he felt it too harrowing a thing to be in her presence. He knew she was there and that was enough to both torment him and ease him.

Part of him wanted her to leave. It would be better if she went. He could become visible once more.

Part of him wanted her to stay…for her presence, though far from him mostly, was a comfort. Loki wasn't sure when Jane had become a comfort to him, but she was, and he recognized it as almost as loathsome as the state in which he dwelled.

He hated Thor for what he had done to her, yet he was also incredibly grateful that he paid her no heed insofar as the God of Thunder's heart went.

It meant that Jane's might still be touched…

And he berated himself for the hope which sparked his being.

She would never love him, he told himself. Nor should she, for she would be vapid indeed to love a miscreant.

And Jane was not that.

And his mind would wind on in utter desperation, in singular contrariety. It was a special agony to be in such a state.

He loved her for never loving him and for reasons utterly, uniquely her. And he thought that this alone should quell his desperation.

If she reciprocated, could he love her?

_Yes…he couldn't _**_not_**_ love her. _

He never saw this coming.

He never felt any inclination that he would be moved thus.

And in a relatively short amount of time…a couple of months, only.

How weak he felt!

How idiotic!

And he tormented himself further with such introspection that he nearly lost himself in his state.

It had been five days…five days since she dismissed his attempt…five days since he had very nearly uttered the words of adoration which dripped slightly from his lips.

Five days…and he felt the need to rise from his station.

Five days…and he left, cloaked in invisibility…

And he saw her.

She was frail.

She had shriveled beyond reasonable size and recognition…

But he saw her, and his heart was in his throat.

He saw her, staggering a touch back to her rooms, and he fought every ounce of pull to go to her and help her…but he remembered himself. She loved Thor. She had been plotting to seduce him to exact her revenge…she had been possessed with such anger that she couldn't see Loki…she only saw her vermillion rage…potent, and dangerous.

She didn't appear to be so dangerous now.

He couldn't help himself.

He followed her.

He materialized in her room, and watched her undress…

He caught himself examining the contours of her frame…her tiny bones extending beyond their limit…piercing against her silken skin, gaunt…he could break her in two there and then, and would expend as much energy as he would to climb a few stairs.

But she was beautiful…

Her fire burned beneath her frailty.

He saw it, and his hunger rose…

Jane walked into the bathroom on wobbly legs and filled the tub.

He followed her…he couldn't seem to get his fill.

And she climbed in.

And she sighed…

And before long…she fell asleep.

Loki looked away from her…he didn't need to see anymore.

Just as he did, he heard a sound…bubbles…

He turned, and she had slipped beneath the surface.

He went to her…she was still…how could she be asleep?

Loki reached in and took her arms, pulling her up to hear her coughing.

And for a second, he thought she saw him…

A voice came from her bedroom. "Jane? I have your…"

Loki situated her head on the back of the tub and left…she was still coughing and gasping for air.

He left, and went back to his rooms…

He couldn't stand to see her in Thor's presence, even if the fool loved her not.

He slept that night for the first time in five nights…and he dreamt of still waters and cool springs and stars and blooms and succulent fruits just out of reach…

* * *

><p>It was warm.<p>

The ground felt soft.

And Jane rolled onto her side.

The grass was so green, it nearly glowed its hue, and she ran her fingers through it, as if she were touching something quite precious.

Perhaps it was.

She had learned to love Asgard…

But it was time she went home.

A week had passed since the episode in the bath, and her strength returned. Time to face real life without the pain of addiction or the torment of anger or the seeping nonsense of revenge.

But she was without Loki…

(she could think his name now, but speak it, not so much)

She would need to be without him, possibly for the rest of her life.

"Jane!" came Thor's voice.

She sat up.

"I can walk you to the Bifrost if you like," said the Thunder God, beaming at her.

Jane stood now, and dusting herself off, smiled. "Oh, that's ok. I can manage…"

"Well…at any rate, allow me to see you out of the palace."

Jane nodded.

She had her jeans on.

Her old clothes fell humorously from her body.

But she did, in all honesty, feel much better.

They walked through the palace, not saying much.

"I'll contact you, Jane, if he returns," began Thor.

"Thanks, Thor…but I doubt he will be back any time soon."

"Will you wait for him?"

She laughed. "I mean…you guys live for thousands of years…we live for 80. I can't say…"

They were at the palace entrance.

She hugged him…

And a pair of blue eyes watched on in the shadow, waiting, like a tiger, to pounce…


	7. Chapter 7

_Once more I must extend a thank you to JaninaM8. Her story-telling prowess is invaluable. _

* * *

><p>And all else disappeared…he saw only her and Thor, embracing and smiling…<p>

He couldn't contain it…

It was suffocating him.

And with a din that could shatter ears if left unchecked, his magic filled the space and a harrowing light sunk from on high.

He materialized in the passageway.

His scowl was sickening…

And Jane blanched, then a smile crept across her face, for the relief was extreme.

"Loki," she breathed.

He emerged with a swagger. "Well, Thor. It appears that you have taken on the task of seeing to Miss Foster's care…she is an eager patient."

"Loki…I was merely…" Thor began.

But the sorcerer's face hardened…"Do not speak to me. You used her so hideously. You lied, you stole behind columns and closed doors and you engaged in lascivious acts…while this unfortunate mortal pined away, and I saw to her…"

"You're right," admitted the Thunderer.

This took him unawares, but he turned to Jane. "So, Miss Foster, it appears that your wish is realized…and Thor showed you the attention that you so longed for…" and he stepped nearer her. "Did you happen to be able to enjoy him fully? In carnal delights? Did he engage you utterly? Were you spent, my mortal, and unable to breathe…?"

Jane's eyes were wide…and she slapped him hard. "How _dare_ you?!"

He rubbed his face…and reared back a bit…"Loki!" and Thor grabbed his arm. "What are you doing?"

But Loki threw him aside with surprising ease. He swallowed, and looked at Jane.

And he saw no fear. He saw her rage, her dynamism, and he longed to kiss her. But he wouldn't…in no small part because of her feelings for Thor.

Her breathing was hard. "What…what are you doing?"

"I'm merely observing my brother and his on-again off-again morbid relationship with a mortal."

"Relationship? We have no relationship…" she protested.

"And what was that embrace I just witnessed, then? You were very close…nary a slither of light could be found betwixt you…"

Jane appeared to be confused. "He was…I am leaving, Loki…"

"Leaving?" and he looked to Thor.

"Aye, Loki. She is returning to Midgard posthaste…"

And he turned to Jane. "You are recovered, then?"

"Mostly," and she smiled.

"Mostly…" he repeated. "Well, do not allow me to detain you," and he turned away from her and began to walk back into the palace.

Jane stood there a moment…she was looking at her feet.

"Don't go yet, Jane…allow me to speak with him," Thor said.

"No…I should go," and she pivoted and began to walk.

"Jane Foster, stop this instant."

She stopped.

"If Loki truly loves you, you must stay. He is never touched, and if you have done this, then it must be cultivated…do not retreat to Midgard's safe haven. If you love my brother, then stay."

Jane's eyes welled. "Did you see him just now…? He was furious. He won't believe me…"

"I'll go…" Thor began.

"No," she returned. His words suddenly making sense, her heart suddenly insistent, her mind acquiescing to the thought of going after him and making him see…"No. No…I'll go…" Jane followed the path she saw Loki take, and she wrung her hands together…

She thought about all the time they had spent together over the past few months.

Time…she had lost her time.

And she was mortal.

And she had a finite amount of time to be with him…

So if she were to follow her heart, it would need to be seen to immediately.

And she thought of his smile.

His wit.

Mind.

His walk…his touch…his magic…

And she thought that no one was better suited to her, even if she was only now emerging from the cold haze of ignorance and addiction. She knew that this man was who she needed.

And she loved him.

And she was going to tell him so.

* * *

><p>He was in the garden.<p>

"Loki," said a female voice, not hers…and this is noteworthy because it was only hers he wished to hear.

"What do you want, Sif?" he didn't look at her, for there was only one face he wished to gaze upon.

"You love Jane Foster."

He turned now. "And what of it? What does it matter? She is in love with my protean adoptive brother…._your_ lover…and now…now she will leave, and she will die. And I will survive, as I have always done."

"You won't…because you are never touched…"

"What do you know of it?" he hissed.

"She isn't in love with him," Sif stated simply.

"What do you mean?"

"She doesn't love him," she shrugged.

"How do you know this?"

"Those are a lot of questions, Loki. Questions better answered by Jane Foster…"

His eyes fell to the garden's floor. "She has left," and he mumbled. "So much the better…"

Sif went over to him. "I know more than you ever give me credit for…I know that she wouldn't have left without a proper goodbye…just as I know you never left the palace these past two weeks…"

He appeared to be dumbfounded.

And Sif smiled. "I am sorry, Loki. I'm sorry, but I've loved him, always…and I think…I think that if you let go of some of your anger for just a moment, you might be happier…"

He watched her go…

She seemed to walking away in slow motion…

And the luminescence of the dying light of Asgard fell in a profusion of color…the air sung and the light's prism did momentarily blind him, the star was falling, and its last breath held station just above the palace…

It slid…

Amaranthine glow filled his vision, and as his eyes fell once more to the palace, his eyes caught a shape.

And it was a shape so symmetrical to his own that he felt the pull of her gravity…a tug from soul to soul.

He swallowed as he spied her.

And she began to walk toward him.

She stopped about five feet from where he stood.

"Hi, Loki," and she smiled.

He nodded, and his eyes fell.

"So…I'm supposed to be leaving."

"I'm surprised you're still here," he replied, still not looking at her.

"Well…I figured that that wasn't a proper goodbye," and now her eyes fell. "You were too angry. And I wanted to thank you."

"No thanks is necessary," and now he turned, and began to walk away.

"Wait. Don't go yet," Jane went to him, and stood in front of him to obstruct his passage. "I know that you're angry…and I know how that feels," she paused. "Why are you so angry?"

His eyes went to hers immediately. And they burned. "Why. Why, you ask? Because, Jane…you spent all that time with me, and it was all an elaborate attempt to gain revenge on Thor. And I am so utterly vacuous that I believed…well. I told you what I believed," he paused. "And it will always be so…people using me…and Thor, ever in favor."

"Tell me what you were about to tell me that night."

"Why?"

"Because I want to hear you finish."

"No," he returned. "I am through taking orders."

"Tell me."

"It matters not…"

"Tell me anyway."

"I do not need to listen to this," and he began to walk around her, but she still stood firm, impeding his effort. "Move, Jane."

"No. Tell me."

"I am a sorcerer, do not forget with whom you play."

"I have never forgotten, Loki," and she smiled. "Now tell me."

"This is ridiculous…"

"Then end it by telling me…"

He furrowed his brow. "No."

"Yes."

"Mortal, you had better mind yourself…"

"Tell me!" she shouted.

"I love you!" he returned in a yell. And he turned away immediately, shaking and began to walk away from her.

Jane's voice failed her…but she hurried after him…"Loki!" she managed.

He wouldn't stop, so she ran…he might just disappear.

But he was too agitated to think clearly.

She grabbed his arm. "I love you too," she gasped.

…"_You shouldn't go…heed my advice, Moriane. You are entering into certain death."_

_"__But, my family…"_

_"__They are dead," replied he._

_Her tears fell steadily. "How can you be so cruel?" and her brown eyes held sorrow, her small frame shook…she held his hand. "Do you love me, Loki?"_

_"__You know that I do…"_

_"__Then you need to let me go."_

_"__That isn't what love is! It's holding on…it's protection and it's help when no one else will…"_

_Moriane smiled. "I love you Loki, but I need to go."_

_And she left._

_And he never saw her again._

And love became a non-entity to him…a wish…a loss…

And Jane Foster, she was so much like her…

He turned then, her tiny hand grasping his arm tightly. She was looking at him earnestly.

He swallowed. "You cannot be true."

"I am."

"You are lying, no doubt for some nefarious reasons…"

"Don't say that," she dropped her hand.

"You do not love me…you cannot…"

Jane swallowed. "Why? Why can't I?"

"Because…you loved Thor…"

"So?"

"So…one who loves Thor cannot love me," and he looked away.

"Loki. I did love him. But that was before…before everything…I've changed. You changed me. And besides, your mother loved you both."

And he felt it acutely…the pain of it all. His mother…Frigga…and now she was confessing this thing to him…"Jane. I cannot believe this…" he shook his head. "All these weeks I've known that you'd never reciprocate…how can it simply be so?"

"I don't know," and she shrugged.

He looked at her and he laughed. "You don't know."

"Alright…I love you. I love you by virtue of your understanding. Your passion. Your knowledge. Your humor. I love you because I see in you immense goodness, despite yours and everyone else's objections. I love you because you understand me…and I understand you. And I believe we are in concordance…"

"In concordance…" he searched her face.

"Yeah…you aren't wholly bad, and I'm not wholly good…and we balance…we are…"

"Symmetrical," he finished.

"Yeah," she breathed.

He swallowed, and expelled an unsteady breath.

And the moment closed in on them…the moment which had been whispering in their ears for weeks now…playing on the periphery of every interaction, every sentence…began to form.

His hand touched her cheek.

Jane closed her eyes.

His thumb brushed her skin, and his fingers began to thread through her hair.

Her head tilted back a bit at the action…

His other hand went to her throat, and then to the back of her neck.

"Jane…"

Her eyes opened. "Yeah?"

"It is true, then?"

"Yes," and her hands went to his arms…they felt their way up…she placed her hands on his shoulders…

Her eyes found his mouth…that which she had coveted for these many weeks now…

And his eyes dropped as well…

And night's decent fell at that moment…and the garden swelled its song…its fragrance in a swirl around them…

"I love you, Jane," he said, inches from her mouth.

And his lips claimed hers…


	8. Chapter 8

_A touch tart._

* * *

><p>He pulled away slightly.<p>

"What is it?" she asked.

His hands grasped her shoulders, his eyes closed. "Jane…I…"

"What?"

"I'm…" and he opened them and looked at her. "Have you laid with Thor?"

"Ah…" she squirmed. "No."

He nodded. "This might be a bit different…" he stopped. "I mean…I do not wish to presume anything…"

"Different how?"

And then a mischievous look overtook him. "Perhaps we should just see. If you are agreeable."

"Yes," she replied. Not only did she want him, but he had piqued her curiosity.

And he leaned in, and kissed her again…

…and this time, it was different.

All she felt were his hands and arms wrapped around her in a heated embrace…and his tongue smiting her mouth over and over…and she responded in kind, overcome, and lost…

She felt her back hit a soft plane.

Her bed…

He had taken her to bed.

His mouth left hers, and he looked at her. "Jane…"

"Yes?"

"I…may I undress you?"

She smiled. "Sure."

He sat up and pulled her shirt up over her head; reached behind her to unhook her bra. He had seen her naked form thrice now, but to see her responding to _him_, it was a delight he had not experienced in many years.

He bent down and kissed her torso, her breasts, holding her nipple in his mouth for a long moment.

Her answer was such that he needed to stop…he placed his forehead on her sternum…

"Loki, what is it?"

"It has been quite some time, Jane…"

"Since you've had sex?" he still wasn't looking at her.

"That, but longer since I've been…in love."

And though her body was rather weak still, she sat up, taking him with her, and made him lay back into the bed.

"If you're concerned," she began, undoing his tunic. "That you'll be overwhelmed or whatever…don't be," and down went his pants. "I'm so happy right now, that even if we didn't make love, we waited, I'd be fine."

And Jane looked at him in front of her.

His arousal was plain.

And he was a bit different from human men…the shape was slightly different, and he was quite large.

But she felt the saliva fill her mouth in anticipation, and she leaned in, and took him.

And Loki moaned…"Jane…" he whispered, and he grabbed her hair.

Her motion was steady and slow, and he moved, careful not to be too eager…her tongue dexterous enough…she quickened her pace, and he let out a more audible sound…

But he pulled her off of him, as he wanted to be inside of her.

"No, dearest…" and he made her jeans vanish. "No…" he sat up and placed his hands on her hips, and guided her to him…nuzzling her neck, she sank onto his erection, and she quivered and screamed softly…

"It is different…" the contours not so smooth…his girth filling her utterly…

And Loki's head went back, for as a human, she felt very different to him (though she wasn't the first human he had been with) and it was delicious.

She rocked slowly.

But he needed to take charge, he claimed her mouth, and turned her onto her back.

And though his movement was more forceful, he savored it…

"How can this be true?" he said into her ear. "How can I be so fortunate?" he cried, his speed increasing slightly. "What have I done to be smiled upon?"

She took his face in her hands as he loomed above her. "I love you."

And he leaned down and kissed her.

"Jane Jane Jane," as he pulled away. And he came…"I'm sorry…" his hand tracing down her entire body…"Just give me a moment…" and he rolled off of her.

"It's alright…we have all the time in the world…" and she laid across his chest.

He felt so utterly complete, and the wonderful haze which he was left in filled his being thoroughly.

"You're not bad, you know," she began. "You were just sad," and her fingertips glided up and down his chest.

"It's hardly an excuse."

She shrugged. "As good as any other," she paused. "Who was the lady…the one who you helped with addiction?"

She felt him tense for a beat. "Sif."

Jane sat up. "Sif?"

"Yes…as a warrior, one is often exposed inadvertently to things, and Sif had felt the pull of the soul gem…and it blinded her…though she was more sad than anything."

"You said that you didn't fall in love with her though, right…?"

"No. I didn't," and he brushed his fingers across her cheek.

"Good. Sorry, but I don't think that I could've taken that…" and she laughed.

"She fell in love with me."

"_What._"

He smiled. "So…because I didn't reciprocate, and because I believed it was because I had helped her, I placed a spell on her to fall in love with Thor," he paused. "However, I think that now, it is true, and they are experiencing love in honesty." His thumb brushed along her lower lip. "Jane?"

She had looked away. "Yes?"

"Do you truly believe that I am not wholly bad?"

"I do, yeah," and she smiled and kissed his mouth.

"Then I suppose it must be so," and he pulled her on top of him, and massaging her sex, gave her her orgasm quickly.

And though it cannot be said that love cured them both, it can be observed that their lives henceforth were quite different from what they had experienced heretofore.

Jane, for her part, found her balance in assuming both the lamb and tiger, feeling her passion and pull and tug of kind. It was only when things seemed their most black did she waver, but he was there, always, in aid of her pain.

And Loki, though never the favored he had so long desired, abandoned a bit of his own wild cat in favor of a gentle touch. His sorrow never depleted altogether, but assuaged enough to be notable.

Sif and Thor did marry…not long afterward, and it was then that Asgard enjoyed a view of the mortal who had won the heart of the Dark Prince.

"People are staring at me, Loki," Jane said, her eyes a-flutter and positively distracted.

"Let them stare. They have simply never gazed upon your equal," and he squeezed her hand.

"Stop it," and she smacked his arm…

…she had wandered into the garden after the ceremony…

It was that same place Loki had taken her when she had awoken from her state nearly a year ago.

She sat in her Asgardian finery and gazed at the stars.

She used to love the stars.

And honestly, she did still.

But they held a different secret now. Their allure altered in her pain, in her love, in her journey…

And though she loved them, she didn't want to understand them any longer. She had since taken up the thought that to understand that which one loves, to understand it utterly, was taking something away from it.

Mystery held promise.

It held uniqueness…

She decided, there and then, that what she wanted _more_ than to understand the secrets of the cosmos, was to _see_ them.

And she had in her lover the perfect opportunity to do so.

"Why are you here alone?" came her soul's voice.

She turned, still sitting on the grass. "Stargazing."

He sat next to her. "Do you miss it, Jane? Studying those distant pixels of light?"

"Not really," and she took his hand in hers, and traced circles over and over in his palm. "Loki?"

"Yes, alsking?"

"Can we see them?"

"What?"

"The stars?"

He looked at her. "Jane, I will take you wherever you wish…but first…"

And he reached in his pocket and pulled out a small golden fruit.

"What's this?"

"This is an apple of Iuonn. And it will make you immortal, if you choose to eat it…"

Jane took it. "So I eat it, and then I'll live…"

"A good long while."

She looked at him.

She looked at the apple.

And she took a bite.

Clean…it was the only way to describe it…clean, brisk, and sweet…

Her person changed slightly…

She seemed to glow a touch…

"I feel…" she looked at Loki. "Refreshed."

He nodded.

"When can we go?"

"Anxious, are we?"

Jane looked at the stars hanging in the sky.

And her daring returned, and her purr was felt in her bowels, and the itch, once thought to be lost forever, crept along her spine.

"I need to taste forever."

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thank you everyone, for taking this rather bleak journey with me! It is a curious thing, for to pen pain somehow alleviates it in my own mind. And so it goes...a give and take of sorrow..._


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